#i just never know what ill get from day to day and what they expect from me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chelfaust · 21 hours ago

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Little bit of a vent :: Posting it here bc I don't want the discourse from the other sites if I'm being honest, and will probably delete it later idk.

I decided to wait to have a child. I decided to wait because I grew up initially extremely poor to an alcoholic single mother who chose her addiction over me every single chance she got. I lived in a trailer that I fell through the floor of - I sat awake every night in my bed til 4 am listening to god awful country music being blasted on the radio while she and her friends partied, but was still expected to get myself up in the morning and walk to school no matter the weather. I remember sneaking into the kitchen just to turn the music down slightly and every time less than 20 minutes later they would notice and turn it back up. To this day I can't stand country music and I have to sleep with some sort of background sound like an air purifier or fan. I missed nearly 30 days of school my 6th grade year and they wanted to fail me in the new state I moved to to be adopted by my aunt and uncle - thankfully my aunt fought for me to be put in 7th grade remedial classes so I was not held back a year. Needless to say, I had no real childhood. You see, I wanted very badly to have a stable life and be financially ok before I decided to have a child. And now, once I'm finally there - I'm faced with having a child in the most uncertain time of my millennial existence. Aside from all of the other rugs that have been pulled out from under me, and all the ladders that have been pulled up behind the boomers and gen x. I'm being bombarded with my healthcare being on the line via the recent events of women's health degradation. I'm having to seriously consider going to another country just to have my unborn child get the vaccinations they will need in order to live a fully healthy life unmarked by the fear of contracting an illness they would otherwise never have to worry about. Child tax deductions were cut in half the last time that orange nitwit was in office and now I'm facing him again as he surely looks for another way to financially cripple my family. I'm angry at myself for having waited to have a child now. If I had just tried earlier, I wouldn't be in this fearful mess. I would've already had her vaccinated and my rights would still be fully intact without the constant looming trepidation that some moron in my state's government will try to overthrow what the people have already codified. I'm tired and upset and I know I'm not at fault, but I feel so utterly fucking guilty.

#I'm just rambling and upset

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skunkes · 1 year ago

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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

#delete later #deleting soon bc eyes on me #for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL #sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out #im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever #but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened #i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc #idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it #and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting #and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better #its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3 #this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love #cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble #and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim

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ratatatastic · 5 months ago

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"Battle of Alberta, right? It was my first game: Calgary, Edmonton. We would play them in the preseason, and you know—trying to make the team I'd always be asking him to fight in preseason, always. I'd be runnin' my mouth—like, tryna fight the biggest, baddest guys, tryna make an impression.

And he would never fight me. He'd always tell me, like If you make the team, I'll fight ya. You don't have to worry about that, but I'm not fightin' ya preseason. And I totally respect it, I'm not gonna chase him down. It is what it is. He's established—I'm looking for my chance.

So I get called up, we're playing Edmonton in Edmonton: Battle of Alberta. [He's] over there on the other side, and it's like the coolest thing ever... you know, the buildup was crazy 'cuz I knew if the opportunity presented itself—if the game went the way I hoped it would, I would get an opportunity to fight him.

I remembered in warmups tryna skate by the redline initially just kind-of gettin' a feel for it—to see if I have to say something or whatever... He's got no bucket on, his big, bald head is glarin' around, he skates by the redline with the biggest smile on his face, and just gives me the biggest wink...

At that moment I knew Okay, he remembers. It's gonna happen at some point.

We were up 1, I think it was 2-1 going into intermission or whatever—Oh, no, I think it was 1-1 and we had just scored so the position I'm like Yeah, I don't know if I can fight him now because we have the momentum and we're winning the game. I don't want to lose a fight, then we lose a game and now I'm, like, never getting a chance again.

You kind-of gotta play the game within the game like [...] there's an opportunity to fight, and there's an opportunities where you shouldn't fight. Things weren't looking good, then they score and now we need a spark. I'm like Fucking perfect.

I just skate by their bench and I'm like It's time, big boy! He jumps out, we line up, and he goes We squarin' up or we goin' right away?

I'm like I'm not fuckin' squarin' up with you right now! We're goin' right away!

Drop em, we go right away, grab each other. I know he's a lefty so he's gonna let go—let's go of my right arm before he throws one. I threw one. Big boy went down, he jumped back up pretty quick. I don't know, I tell people all the time, I'm like I would've been in the league fuckin' 2 years earlier if there was good footage of this fuckin' fight!

For some reason—For some reason, the cameras cut out. I don't know if [he] had his cousins working the cameras or something that night, or if they're in the video room or what happened.

That was my first NHL game.

It's funny 'cuz Chucky was there—Chucky's there and he knows, he saw, he always laugh when I say that I would've been in the league earlier 'cuz he knows how things like that go. You get a little bit of energy and buzz around ya, and then kind-of momentum takes you a little bit further but unfortunate[ly], I missed that opportunity but I don't regret a thing.

[...]

The opportunity was there, I just—unfortunately, for whatever reason, the Hockey Gods said not yet." (Ryan Lomberg reminiscing over his first NHL game/fight) (x)(x) (please go watch the second link to see lombos giant smile as he tells this story jfc)

and other genuinely bonkers things to say about a hockey player in your first fight... like why did this need to be said like that...what

#ryan lomberg #lombo what the fuck #for the sake of clarity lombo does refer em by name but i think its funnier to obscure it in this case for people who dont know who it is #im sure edm and the bald description gave it away of who it is #but youll never fucking guess who this bitch is waxing poetic about #the wha the huh #HIM??????#WE'RE ROMANTICISNG THAT FUCKIN GUY??? REALLY????#i hate it here #this just in the guy you adore just said the horniest shit about the worst person you know #completely forgot they both were on the flames at the same time its been erased from my memory #(guy who does not pay attention to anything that is not pantr related)#but also matthew giggling about lombos little I WOULDVE BEEN HERE EARLIER IF THE CAMERAS WORKED RIGHT #how dare we lose him to calgary again HOW DARE #hello special little matthew cameo #the homoeroticism of it all #the inherent homoeroticism of hockey fights #why did he describe it like that #do you know what “scrappy ahler tries to make it big by fighting everyone in sight to impress staff and even challenges the enforcer vet #knowing itll make him look good if he does and said enforcer vet does not give him the time of day and goes i promise ill fight you when yo #get called up during the regular season not now and to which said scrappy ahler gets called up during the regular season and doesnt expect #much but gets completely surprised when the vet 1. remembers who he is 2. the promise he made and 3. even gives him a cheeky wink about it.#and the game is chippy from the start the ahler isnt sure theyll be able to fight hin but low and behold the hockey gods bless him #and he does he even gets to decide the rules AND wins it in one punch. the downside? none of it was filmed.#but the memory of that vets wink rings clear“ does to me man?#also. a classic case of hockey gods giveth. hockey gods taketh away.#sweetheart you can be gay AND also want your cool fight filmed honey youre asking for too much #yeah lombo does like calling men bigboy yeah that's a thing

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icewindandboringhorror · 3 months ago

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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting #with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though #you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would #think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page #disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol #THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended #(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever #so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with #no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know #EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably #It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end #point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc #I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc #rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is #not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school #but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia #and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like #the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot #or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are #familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them #Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol

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phagodyke · 3 months ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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freakinator · 1 month ago

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yknow with tthe whole cc!kab rping an actual character rather than just being herself with extra steps thing i should prbs talk about her character in a different way compared to other lsers cause it feels wrong to talk about her in the same way that i do for the others when she plays in such a significantly different way

#mine.txt #ik its for practical purposes aka cc!kab not wanting to mistake ppl talking about her character to be talking about her #but man doing this whole cc! and c! thing is really just reminding me of the dsmp days lmao #i mean i never did that shit cause like i didnt really see the point cause like. theyre doing improv what difference would it make #cause like the character and the actor still share the same name online #how much can you really talk about someone doing improv in that kinda way until it doesnt work anymore #but theres a point to it this time #im not doing this for clarification purposes cause yall already know im not talking about irl kab #but cc!kab repeatedly breaks the forurth wall and not in an ''im a streamer so i gotta talk to chat'' way #but in a ''none of this is real guys were actually friends irl #and i make sure to do aftercare during heavy streams btw im trained in acting since i was a kid'' way #which means at least in my minds eye its heavily impractical to talk about kab the way i usually do for other streamers #see the way i talk about the other streamers theres an implicit acknowledgement of the blurred line between cc and c #but for kab while its all improv ofc theres a very defined line between cc and c #its a lil smudged sure but its still quite defined #so that implicit acknowledgement just kinda... gets lost. yanno? which im not a big fan of #so yeah i feel the need to talk about her differently cause of this entirely different framework to work off of #im not really sure how to do that besides adding cc! and ls! before her name #since usually in smps and mcyt in general theres a pretty similar meta rp style from all the members of a server #so i never really felt the need to talk about ome of the characters differently #but ofc ls had to be different it just had to lmao #but whatever ill figure it out #dont expect me to keep up with this when im triggered tho lmao cause thats just not happening

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jrueships · 5 months ago

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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually

#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN #she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today #(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed #bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with #she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC #basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets #one is called NAVIGATING DOC #im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings #NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM #and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT #but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK #WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER #she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete #mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING #but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert #abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS #idk man #i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor #it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro #yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site #n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it #so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by #but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM #bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification #if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now #instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON #ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE

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galaxygermdraws · 1 year ago

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I don't usually post sona related art, but I just beat the SMRPG remake and it made me just. start crying. Like i was just sobbing my way through the end of the game, and my hope for the future of Mario RPGs has never been brighter. So it made me just. Feel a lot of emotions and I didn't really know how else to capture them.

I'm very happy I got to live during a time when this wonderful game got a remake that will be more readily available for people to play. And I am so happy this game was just as good as I have been told it was. Definitely looking forward to replaying it again.

Uh. Yea. Jus kind of a personal piece I 'spose. Bonus little doodle I drew the day before the remake dropped under the cut

#germdraws #germ draws #goop #sona art #smrpg remake #mostly bc thats what this is talking about #i dont expect this to get notes this was just like. a personal piece about my emotional state today #not too often does a game quite drive me to the point of drawing my emotional state about it #I didnt. expect to cry like a baby over it #i knew id prolly cry. most mario rpgs do make me cry #but i havent cried this hard since i replayed origami king earlier this year #and that was probably bc it was like. the same week as finding out mario was getting a new va #and bc i was witnessing my favorite piece of media travel into a new era #and i am beyond excited #especially because the second major game to kick off said new era....is a game from 1996 #a game ive been told about a lot in my life. every other mario rpg that was hyped to me never hit right. ttyd n bis both #i never finished ttyd. bis was rather tiring. maybe ill replay it one day. who knows #but smrpg was. rlly good. i rlly liked it. it made me very happy. i made me very emotional.

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bibleofficial · 3 months ago

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ok so man that i hooked up w like 2 weeks ago that i wanted to see for like dates: cancelled. i’m bored of him 😭😭😭

#stream #ALKSALKSALKSLAKSLAKSLA #like ok #he needs to let me know like EARLIER than 30 MINUTES BEFORE to see me #& u need to not have like #an hour SHARP to leave like i need more than an hour IF IM HOSTING !!!!! like i want ATTENTION after #+ i would’ve cleaned everything like an insane person #‘like an insane person’ u mean ‘bc ur an insane person’#anyway #i haven’t showered in days bc i’ve been compulsively cleaning until im so exhausted that i just pass out #like literally everyday #but i mean there’s no reason for me to leave the house bc u gotta clean & then i can’t have anyone HERE bc i got SHIT TO CLEAN so they don’t #DIE FROM ILLNESS & DISGUST & MY DIRT (a quarter of a piece of a small leaf that was tracked in at the door)#ALSKALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSL but ok what’s so fucking funny is that IF SOMEONE ELSE says like ‘i’m coming over at 5’ & it’s like ‘10a’ i will #LITERALLY get everything done so fucking quick like i will be SONIC & then im right there ready to go like :D #ALSKALSKALKSLAKSLAKSLA but if ive to do it for ME irs like wow this is agony im going to die i should kill myself bc ur such a wreck stupid #anyway maybe i should talk to the therapist abt this bc it does Not Seem to Be Healthy #so he will be like ‘we’re going for about 2 tomorrow :)’ at like 1p that day & i agree then he doesn’t message me until like 1 saying ‘i’ll #be free in an hour x’ like #like i sent questions to him like ‘so what do u think abt xyz’ would u do xyz like gaming or whatever u know then he answers them the whole #next day idk it’s like ur literally expecting me to drop everything to suck ur dick for 30 mins & that’s just #it ain’t it #like ALSKALSKLAKSALSLAKSLAKAS at this point i’m just going to block him next time he does that 😭😭😭#probably never going to see him again i’ve never seen him since the first time #literally i was like ‘hey i’ll be free …’ for like 1.5week & then just gave up on that bc he never was or wouldn’t respond until late like #girl …. this is BORING ur DULL u don’t even DO ANYTHING as far as i KNOW 😭😭😭😭 he’s always like ‘at work :)’ ‘watching tv :)’ ‘cooking :)’#that’s it #like …. ok

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paging-possum · 9 months ago

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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....

#my art #gore #organs #its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all #like. its the Expectations #the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling #theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel #and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work #because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much #THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING #like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR #realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes #at the end of the day I am the you in that song #it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time #at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way #but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes #like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like #sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want #but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense #its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past #I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me #which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know #I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle #it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it #anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms #im going to bed

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kavehater · 9 months ago

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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness

#There’s this specific part of the song #It srsly alters my brain chemistry #Anyways #i hate tumblr sm #Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm #No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much #Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely #Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D #The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it #The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc #To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th #Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious #And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei #It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking #To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I #Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia #And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games #All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car #Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke #Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon #Like me go mad with all these things #Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily #Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable #Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more #Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻

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todayisafridaynight · 2 years ago

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I hate linking videos for whatever reason but the submission box will only let me embed one so. Guess I'll Die. BUT ANYWAY. You can see what I'm talking about here and here (also hiiiii Nakai, Iura, and Terajima) but I think Jo should have Tsutsumi's nervous tics like rubbing his lip and blinking fast :) I think it would be cute :) moe even :) though he doesn't have much to be nervous about :) but I mean once in a blue moon y'know :) OK that's all bye

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OH BUT WAAAAAIT WAVELENGTH i always did imagine jo having a nervous-blinking type of tendency i am AHEAD of you brother (╯▽╰ )(╯▽╰ )

#snap chats #i also imagine jo wets his lip a lot but i think that ones projection. tbh so is the blinking bit #a lot of how my brain perceives/portrays jo is projection tbh but THAT ASIDE #when i get nervous- aside from fidgeting and scratching myself- i blink a lot and lick my lips a lot #BUT I WAS ON TRACK I WAS ON TO SOMETHING......#aka it WOULD be cute it WOULD be moe and im reminded of a thing i accidentally wanted to draw but NAY #ill save that for another time... for now thank you for the tsutsumi clips... hes so cute in the pure interview help (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)#unrelated ramble time. tag's a diary we know the rules #its my eldest sister's birthday today but she's in thailand celebrating her honeymoon #woldnt really matter since we never celebrate her birthday as a family but i just think its funny everyone bar my dad and i are born in jul #(tsutsumi's birthday is the 7th too isnt it... and satoshi tokushige has the same bday as my 2nd older sister..#the fuck is with everyone being born in july we GET IT ANYWAY)#my bro's birthday is tomorrow but he wants to celebrate it with my mom too and I Cant Do That SOOOO #i just got us lunch for today since im just gonna hide at the mall all day tomorrow. prob get him an Im Sorry/Happy Birthday gift too #BUUUUT FOR TODAY we went to some cajun chicken place/liquor store/some other shit it was onea them 3-in-1 bitches #(i also got us ice cream but whatever. small detail. except he got an icee so it kept DRIPPING ON ME in the CAR WHATEVER #the things we do for the fam when we have to ditch them on their birthday its what i deserve (╯x╰ ;;;;) )#and MAAAAAN this chicken's good.... i didnt think id get any good chicken like this where i live but EPIC #THEY ALSO HAD MY FAVE SOJU BRAND. ANOTHER THING I DIDNT EXPECT #highkey its my fave cause... Big Surprise my dad used to get me it all the time. was that responsible of him Prob Not but anyway #epic day for me.... ok thats enough of my rambling BYE BYE BYE #ima work on the One (1) comm i gotta do and then uhhh i sholud PRROOBBB redo my comm sheet but ill do that at the mall #i dont need to be seen drawing middle aged yuri in public ☠️☠️#ok bye bye ima eat this chicken

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drchucktingle · 2 months ago

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the curve

somehow ive found myself in a position where folks come to chuck in times of strife for encouragement. lets get the big part of this conversation out of the way LOVE IS STILL REAL and that is the thing to remember. that north star remains. today there is more to talk about though

existence pushes towards love community and freedom, because CREATION is what we were built to do and creation thrives with these things as fuel. IT GETS BETTER. LOVE IS REAL. however this change comes in up and down waves. its not a straight line and should not be expected to be

some of these waves are short and small, and some of the slopes are years or decades long. there is no mincing words here, we are entering a massive downward wave. the implications are huge and it is okay to mourn that. FEEL THOSE FEELINGS. it is an important part of the ride

the most telling sign post on our slope is this: tromp won the popular vote (or likely will when the votes are done). we can talk POLITICAL STRATEGY all day about electoral college or who should court the center or the left and on and on but ultimately THIS is the real story

to me it signals a TRUE cultural shift. likely conservatives will have presidency, senate, house, and supreme court. WHAT A GIANT SLOPE. HOLD THE HECK ON because we will be riding it for a while, deep into the pit of the void. hold your buds tight, prove love at the local level

but heres the thing, MASSIVE waves have happened before. theyll happen again. mind numbing slopes into the abyss and great soaring leaps into the sky. in fact the inertia almost ALWAYS causes them to happen right after each other. hippies or punks back in the day, buckaroos now

politically we were trapped in a basically fifty fifty trot for a long time, but it was not always like this (just look at old election maps what the heck). to be honest, tromps map looks like one of those old maps right now. and DANG did COUNTER MOVEMENTS blooms from those times

in other words, THERE WILL BE A COUNTER CULTURE MOVEMENT THAT WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN OUR LIFETIMES. you are now a rebel for the resistance and the wave that will swing back towards love will awe us in ways we cannot even imagine yet.

but for now, feel those feelings, mourn, prove love, stay safe. do not let the hope i am espousing feel like a distraction from the very real, even deadly consequences of the terrible pit we are plummeting into. it is a horrible day, and FUTURE HOPE does not diminish that, BUT

get ready because that counter culture wave is coming and YOU are a part of it. if you want to shout HECK OFF DEVILS then shout it LOUD, if you want to cry then cry HARD, if you want to love then love with your WHOLE HEART. thats the start of the movement that we dont know yet

when that movement takes shape we will feel the inertia of the curve and it may make us sick from the rollercoaster turn, and that pressure will be uncomfortable and scary, but THEN buckaroo, we will soar, and ill be so dang glad to be holding on tight with you when we do

#love is real #chuck tingle #buckaroo lifestyle

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adore-gregor · 7 months ago

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my perception of grades totally changed since i started uni

#in school i just did the bare minimum a pass was fine and a 3 great #it's insane to think about it how little i did like for a lot of subjects not at all and if i did i'd study like 2 hrs the day before 😭#and i thought this was studying hard or if i studied 3 hrs at least whaaat #well for some subjects i did a bit more #but like it is no comparrison #at uni i also did study the day before a few times but then i did an 8hr session #(i might just need to do that tmrw but the thing is the exam is one you can't study for so literary idk what i'd study so long for??)#(or how to study... it's translation but how tf do you study translation it's highly subjective and there are no practice exercises)#(i will probably just look at the notes)#but anyway for my last exam i spent 5 hrs in the library a day and i already started 2 weeks before (altough just in smaller bits)#but bumped it up exam week i did like 2-3hrs on average a day #even if i start too late like i did for one of the hardest test of my studies i only studied for 2 days but like all day or 10hrs sth a day #it by far exceeds the 2hrs lmao and even that was very little for this exam many studied 2 weeks but like i got a good grade so it's okay #but my point is now that i get better grades good one's a C is a massive disappointment for me 😅#unless it was a really difficult one then i'd take it but like it upsets me #a teacher once told me when i got a c on an exam quite a few failed that many would be happy to have that grade well true tbh but i can't #and once i almost cried because i got a C because i thought it was an easy course but it was an oral exam and i'm worse in these #(because in written i often remember the answer later in the exam and then go back but in oral i can't do that)#well that was embarrassing😭 i'm trying to never do that again so if i get asked how i feel abt it say it's okay ig #but sometimes even a B is meh 😅 especially if an A was possible and it was an easy course/exam #i want more A's less B's tbh B's also because i really want to go abroad and raise my grade average for that #i want to go from a B average to an A something average to improve my chances #but yeah younger me wouldn't believe this 😂#i really want to study harder to make that step up to more A's than B's like uni does come quite easy to me #and while i study way more compared to others i still get away with less effort and good results but i could have excellent grades #on the one hand it's good that i improved so much on the other those expectations might not be because i'm almost never satisfied anymore 😅#and i know it's kind of really unimportant because there are real problems and also many uni students struggle to pass their classes #it's maybe even a bit disrespectful because they'd be happy to have these grades and i should be more grateful #but i swear i don't look down on anyone with worse grades i know how difficult it can be and also how outside factors play a role #some have it more difficult some have to work a lot next to uni or really suffer from mental illness besides no one's brain is the same

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celestialmancer · 8 months ago

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💢 //

#having to put up an argument w parents just to be allowed more freedom bc of them being overly sheltering & restrictive of where i go is.#its so exhausting that i literally am not allowed to go anywhere w/o them hovering over me or so on #not even allowed to go for walks solo in my own apartment complex at any time of day because they’re THAT overly sheltering #legit if i wanna go for a walk i HAVE to go w one of my own parents yet sometimes i LITERALLY WANNA GET A W A Y FROM THEM #WHICH IS THE POINT OF THE WALK. GET AWAY FROM THEM & THE HOUSE & YET. THEY FORCE ME TO HAVE TO WALK W ONE OF EM. or worse both.#im glad that the circumstances left it to where they HAVE no choice & HAVE to let me go w whatever is ‘more favorable’ for them except it #isnt favorable at all for em its just ‘which freedom would we rather allow you to have’#but neither option is one they wanna give me i can tell. just a matter of which they let me have.#imagine constantly anytime you wanna go out w/o em somewhere your parents whip out a whole ass talk abt how there’s robberies/crime/danger #& how its too dangerous to go out & do x or y thing #i literally cant even go walk in my own neighborhood w/o that kinda immediate commentary or them bringing up just #the most recent crimes that happened to enforce this whole reasoning why i shouldnt be allowed out #even tho im. what. fucking 27??? sucks that i have chronic illness bc ik thats what gives em so much leverage over me #not even gonna comment abt them using my disabilities against me as a way to keep me hostage #i will call it keeping me hostage bc they’ve never let me have freedom at all #even when i was in uni on campus i was expected to contact em constantly & them expecting i go home v often & shit & since im kinda.#@ their mercy a lot it was not much of a say i had in the matter esp bc i came down w health issues around then so? yeah #i wont get too much further into this bc i can say. a lot abt how obsessively overprotective they are but.#regardless.#ishtar rambles ;#ngl its this reason along w other shit thats why im afraid of what’ll happen once i FINALLY have the funds & resources to move out #which i can! also get into that!#but. another topic another time.#not even also gonna get into their backhanded ‘yknow what let them do what they want #’let them go & learn their lesson’ like excuse me???#they want me to have a bad exp so they can say ‘i told you so’ ik it. i know this bc theyve done it before #& then used it as justification to tighten the leash on me

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1hyunjae · 1 year ago

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I really need to do something about this anxiety

#its so so SO bad #its bcs of my mandatory internship #i just never know what ill get from day to day and what they expect from me #and its until the 2nd of feb thats the worst part #minus the holidays thats 10 more weeks #ive been counting down every second #i like the environment i like the kids i like the work #so tell me why i still feel so horrible aweful like im gonna die every day #- edit #wish i could throw up my anxiety #really wish i could just throw up once and then for my fears to be gone with my vomit #i need to throw up so bad bruh at this rate i wont make it to feb #plus a teacher scared the living daylights out of me today #about what my future will look like well #lets all just kill ourselves ❤️

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